Lois Kemmet, MSW, LICSW / Therapist
When couples come to the center, they are often seeking help with their communication. Communication is very complex and involves both listening and talking skills. The interaction between two people is like a dance where couples or family members fall into interactional patterns or the same dance. If this pattern in is ineffective, it can lead to misunderstandings, confusion, and hurt.
Couples or family therapy is learning how to change the dance.
Several years ago I co-facilitated a couples’ communication class that was based on the work of Sherod and Phyllis Miller. In that class, we utilized a listening mat to highlight the following skills: attend, acknowledge, invite, summarize and ask. Similarly, in his book “Feeling Good Together,” David Burns outlines the 5 secrets of effective communication, which includes the empathy skills of a good listener.
Below, I have compiled some of the most helpful pointers from my experience in practicing couples’/family therapy under the theoretical orientations of David Burns and Sherod & Phyllis Miller.
Helpful pointers to listening;
- Do not be tempted to jump in with your ideas or rebuttal before understanding the speaker.
- Use non-verbal cues that you are listening such as looking at the speaker, leaning forward, and head nods.
- Attempt to see the situation from the other person’s perspective and paraphrase thoughts and feelings of the speaker.
- Ask short gentle questions about what the speaker is saying, for more clarification such as “tell me more”.
- Reflect parts of the communication that you can genuinely agree with the speaker.
- Summarize again what you heard and ask if you have understood the speaker.
All communication is more effective if you enter into the conversation with the spirit of collaboration and respect of self and the other involved. If you find yourself in the old dance with your partner or family member, therapy can assist you in changing this pattern.
