Carried shame occurs while we are growing up. It stems from anything that is less than nurturing, including abuse of any kind.
Not “Measuring Up”
Who of you has ever felt “less than”? That time in middle school gym class when you were picked last for a team. When you tried out for the school play and then eagerly searched for your name in the cast of characters posted after tryouts. Your name wasn’t there; you hadn’t made it. In that ????you were hoping “pick me”, only to be passed over.
Shame’s Impact
Connection to others is essential for relationships. When we feel either less than or better than they feel someone else, less than or better than someone else, we are disconnected from the other person. We become angry and blaming. Feelings of inferiority settle in. We want to pull our jackets over our heads and become invisible. That is carried shame.
Carried Shame: Awareness as a First Step
It is important to be aware of this carried shame. Awareness opens opportunities for us to step outside of the carried shame. Operating outside of it is crucial to healthy relationships. Moving away from carried shame allows us to experience joy and peace.
Carrying and Disrupting Shame
My personal experience of shame has been that it is cellular. I have carried it most of my life. It hasn’t left me, yet I am now able to recognize it and get out of it quicker than I did when I was young. There are some healthy steps that we can take to reduce carried shame. First, we need to be able to identify our own carried shame. Second, we need strategies, tools, and interventions to disrupt that carried shame.
Naming Shame
As a young woman, I was depressed, in an unhappy relationship, and felt quite misunderstood. I felt sorry for myself, believing that if others just understood me, I would be much better. I sought the help of a psychotherapist. She listened to my story; one that I thought was insightful, intelligent, and full of awareness. My therapist looked at me and told me that I carried a huge amount of shame and that it was really in my way.
An Example of Carried Shame
As a young girl, I loved playing with Barbies. Yet I was young and often missed picking up those tiny little shoes. Hidden in the good shag carpet, they awaited my dad’s invariable stepping upon them. He would get very angry. I would cry as he told me that he wouldn’t have to yell if I just put the shoes away. My dad’s message to me was that I was responsible for his anger.
The Stranglehold of Shame
I had no idea that the shame I carried was the culprit behind the pain I was experiencing. Over the next several years, I became increasingly aware of the truth of the therapist’s words. How my shame kept me locked up, convinced that I wasn’t good enough. My own suffering from carried shame and the healing I have had from it are what give me the expertise to write about it. I sometimes still return to the prison of shame. I don’t live there. I want that for others – freedom from shame.
Health Shame and Guilt
Shame (not carried) is an essential and wonderful emotion. It reminds us that we are imperfect and helps to keep us accountable for our choices and actions. We experience guilt when we break our own rules and operate outside our value system.
Moving Away from Carried Shame
You don’t need to live with carried shame. Like me, you heal from this. It was through the support and wisdom of a psychotherapist that I found healing.
Healing is available for you as well. Professional help for you to do this is available at Cashman Center in Burnsville.
