Ah, Springtime! A time when love is in the air…or is it? Seeing or talking about love can bring up a variety of emotions: passion, romance, celebration, expectations, disappointments, loneliness, pain. Our mental, emotional and physical health is greatly affected by how we love and are loved by others leading to great satisfaction, immense pain or somewhere inbetween.
We all want to feel connected to others. We want to feel loved, wanted, approved of, connected with those around us. When there’s a lack of connection or a history of broken relationships, we begin to experience stronger emotions of pain associated with love rather than mutual love in return. I want to share some ways that we can purposefully connect with our spouses/partners to hopefully take steps towards feeling more satisfaction and fulfillment within relationships.
- Identify Your Love Languages
Learn about the different types of love languages that Gary Chapman talks about in his book, “The 5 Love Languages.” We need to receive love in all 5 ways he identifies, but we tend to have 1 or 2 that really fill us up and make us feel loved. Identify which 1 or 2 are your primary love language and then take time to share those with your partner and discuss what theirs are as well. Make a conscious effort to love them in that specific way over the next week. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
- Increase Your Positive Interactions
Folks, have fun with your partner! It doesn’t take a license in marriage and family therapy to know this will help, but it’s amazing how we can get so wrapped up in everyday life that we forget to laugh, joke and have fun with this person that we’ve chosen to live closest with. Or maybe it’s that we just don’t want to anymore; maybe it’s that there’s too much negativity, hurt or pain that we have to make a conscious decision to create the positive (even when we don’t “feel” it) in order for it to be there. Dr. John Gottman has conducted 40 years of research on couples and was able to identify aspects in relationships that help marriages thrive. One of those aspects was a ratio of positive to negative interactions. Couples identifying as happy couples had a positive to negative ratio of 20 to 1. Identify ways to increase your positive interactions – even if you have to do it consciously and purposeful. Laugh at yourself. Have a picnic on your living room floor. Go to an arcade and have a contest. Take an activity class together. Pick a random town on the map and go explore while discussing your dream vacations. Have a night in playing your favorite games. Make-out in the back seat of your car. Go out dancing. Or have riff-offs (thank-you Pitch Perfect) until you’re laughing so hard you can’t sing anymore.
- Get to Know Your Partner
We take a lot for granted with our partners, especially when we’ve been with them for awhile. However, there’s probably a lot about your partner that you don’t know. Be purposeful in asking questions and really notice what they’re saying when they communicate to you – notice their passions, their fears, their dreams/goals, their loves, their dislikes, etc. Try this game during your next date night from The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work, by John Gottman.: http://staymarriedblog.com/what-is-a-love-map/
- Learn to be Okay with Conflict
All healthy relationships have conflict. Conflict isn’t fun, but it’s an open door to deeper emotional intimacy and connection. Learn to see conflict as an opportunity to know and understand both yourself and your partner more deeply. Part of your attraction to your partner was most likely due to similarities that you share. Part of your attraction was also most likely due to characteristics/traits that you don’t have in yourself, however, these characteristics or traits can quickly turn into annoyances, frustrations and areas of conflict. Challenge yourself to identify the differences in you and your partner and appreciate and value those differences, noticing how those help you function as a joint couple with balance rather than separate entities at odds.
Try to focus this week on just 1 or 2 of these 4 areas. If you feel like your ratio of positive to negative interactions is too low or if you feel like you’ve lost the desire to initiate moments of connection due to the overwhelming amount of negativity within the relationship, then find hope in knowing there are plenty of other couples in that same boat with you and reach out for help. Contact a therapist about identifying and working through those obstacles that are causing the negative interactions and disconnection. There can be hope!
