By: Stacy Smith Donley, M.A.

February is upon us, and however you may feel about Valentine’s Day and all that it may or may not offer, it is the perfect opportunity to take some time for your love relationship. Often this month is a time to celebrate, examine, and build upon the love we have in our lives, but struggles with emotional intimacy and being present are common. This may disrupt our ability to feel connected in our relationship and lead to issues.

Often we must ask ourselves a few key questions:
How connected do I feel with my partner? Is there anything stopping me from feeling close with them? How much attention do I give just to my relationship? How often do I dedicate time solely to the love in my life?
Though the answers to these questions may be wide-ranging, beginning to examine them are important and are the first steps to being more mindful in your relationship. Being mindful will benefit not only your own health but also the health of your loved one. And who doesn’t want a stronger, more loving, and more intimate relationship?!

Many may first ask what it means to be “mindful” in a relationship. As a mental health professional that specializes in mindfulness-based couple, family, and individual therapy, I love integrating my knowledge and expertise of mindfulness practices in the work with my clients and help answer such questions.

To understand how to be mindful in your relationship, you must first understand what mindfulness is.

According to the mindfulness expert Jon Kabat-Zinn, mindfulness is the “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally (1).” One can be mindful in any number of activities from brushing one’s teeth to meditation, and of course, even in relationships. When we are mindful, we are able to slow down the moments in life, and truly observe, accept, and appreciate the world around us, including our relationships.

Therefore, slowing down and being mindful in your relationship simply involves taking time to reduce the distractions in life that prevent you from spending quality, unobstructed time with your partner.

Technology is one common distraction. Somehow our phones, tablets, and computers sneak their way into our time for conversations, dinner dates, and even those moments lying in bed before we turn in for the night. Taking steps to build intimacy and being mindful in your relationship involve removing or reducing our time with technology during these vital moments. Challenge yourself and your partner to a phone-free dinner or bed time; the results may surprise you.

Another common distraction is the other relationships in our lives. This includes the relationships we have with our children, parents, and friends. Although these relationships are incredibly valuable to our wellbeing, it is important to have reoccurring times to dedicate solely to spending time with your partner. Making dates, exploring new areas of your community, and revisiting aspects of your partner’s personality that you appreciate go a long way in building intimacy.

Reducing these and other distractions may be a struggle at first, but in time, with the right effort and dedication, you will find your relationship growing deeper. If you still find it difficult to build emotional intimacy and being mindful and present while spending time with your partner, don’t hesitate to seek the support of a mental health professional to boost the love in your relationship and promote wellness in your body, mind, and spirit.

Happy Love Month!

Stacy

About the author:
Stacy has her M.A. in Marriage and Family Therapy and specializes in mindfulness-based couple, family, and individual therapy. In her practice, Stacy uses her interest and expertise in integrative health and mindfulness practices in order to help clients connect their body, mind, and spirit. Stacy views clients as strong, resilient, and capable of making change. She believes the therapeutic process should be intuitive and individualized to the needs of each family, couple, or individual. This ensures a more fulfilling, enriching, and harmonious journey through life. With genuine, open, and informed support, Stacy hopes to create a collaborative partnership with her clients to help them improve their lives and discover the possibilities hidden within. Stacy also hopes to support clients in realizing how their relationships, their community, and their environment influences their health, leading towards a more comprehensive view of mental health care.

Stacy has current availability for couples, families, and individuals, and may offer a sliding fee scale for those interested.

References
1. Mindful.org. (2016, January 11). Jon Kabat-Zinn: Defining mindfulness. Retrieved from http://www.mindful.org/jon-kabat-zinn-defining-mindfulness/