A Mother’s Journey: Learning How to Raise a Healthy, Well-adjusted (but Anxious) Child

Many years ago, my husband and I were busy working and raising my two beautiful children. Life seemed to be moving along nicely when, out of nowhere, my 10 year-old son started showing signs of anxiety. It was subtle at first but got worse very quickly.

I always knew he was a bright boy and a deep thinker. What I hadn’t anticipated was an untrained, brilliant mind spiraling out of control. An adrenal gland that was quick-to-action made my beautiful child sick. Within a matter of a few days, we went from not being hungry to episodes of vomiting. I wondered if it could be the flu or some other sickness. We hoped it was just a temporary situation that would be over in a couple days. No such luck.  The vomiting became more frequent with no obvious signs of sickness. I began to notice that it seemed to occur whenever something changed in his daily routine. Sunday nights, with the anticipation of Mondays, was an obvious change that seemed to trigger his reaction. He was having a difficult time with change.

After a couple weeks, I realized if I didn’t intervene, something terrible was going to happen to him. At a minimum, he had an eating disorder but probably something much worse.

I consulted our pediatrician. He was a great guy — very supportive — and gave me some names of therapists we could try to get this situation under control. Due to the frequency of his vomiting, we agreed to start him on a small dose of anti-anxiety medication to calm him enough to be able to keep his meals down.

After three, once-a-week sessions with one of our pediatrician-recommended therapist, my instincts were telling me there didn’t seem to be any progress. How would I even know? I had never dealt with anything like this before. After my little buddy came out of his third session with the therapist, I walked into her office and asked her point blank if she felt she was making any progress with him. She responded to me immediately with a very clear and definite, “No”. Clearly, these two were not a good match. She wasn’t able to connect with him at all, even though she came highly recommended.

Back to the pediatrician I went. Our doctor made another suggestion, this time for a male therapist at a different practice. We found out what a difference a therapist can make. From our first visit, Dr. Dan (the therapist) was able to get my son to talk. Even more importantly, he invited me to sit in on the sessions, which the first therapist prohibited. I felt very honored by his invitation, and with the permission of my son, I sat in. I did my best to act like a mouse in the corner, listening, and only speaking up when I felt I had something beneficial to say. Having participated in the sessions, I was also able to act as a coach for my son at home between sessions when he needed it. I sat in on their sessions for about a year-and-a-half, through 5^th and 6^th grade. Dr. Dan told him, “I will not fix you, you’re not broken. But you do need to learn how to co-exist with the mind you were given.”

My son continued seeing Dr. Dan through his high school years as needed. When my son was going off to college, we met with Dr. Dan for a final send-off session. Dr. Dan told him, “Reach out if you ever need me. I’ll be here for you. But don’t forget what I’ve taught you about working with your mind.  You have the toolkit of methods I taught you to work with your mind.”

Many years have passed since that day. He graduated from a local college, but then moved several hundred miles away for graduate school. That’s a big deal for an anxious young man.

My son is now engaged to be married and recently finished his PhD in Statistics. He recently moved to the East Coast and is now working as an academic at an Ivy League university.

He still gets anxious and probably always will. Don’t we all. In a recent conversation with his fiancé, she told me that she can tell when he taps into his “toolkit” to calm himself down.

Thank you, Dr. Dan, for the support and tools you gave my son. I’m not sure he could have accomplished what he has without your support and guidance.

Here is the advice I have for any other parent facing life with an anxious child. Ask questions and pay attention. Get help and guidance from trusted professionals. Trust your instincts and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Try a variety of modalities and see what works for your situation. We all need a little support now and then. There is no shame in asking for help. Anxiety isn’t one-size-fits-all condition. Learn the signs and symptoms of anxiety in children and teens.

Common symptoms include:

• Difficulty concentrating
• Tummy aches, vomiting, and not feeling well
• Being clingy
• Crying for no apparent reason
• Being tense and fidgety
• Frequently using the toilet
• Constantly worrying about negative thoughts
• Getting angry or irritable, or having uncontrollable outbursts
• Poor appetite
• Not sleeping, sleep walking

Children of all ages will have anxiety now and then. That’s normal. It’s when the situation becomes chronic that you need to seek help.

The advice and guidance of a professional therapist can make a big impact on your child. It will also provide reassurance for yourself if your child is constantly anxious or exhibiting any of the common symptoms listed above.

If you or someone you know are experiencing mental health issues, consider scheduling an appointment to come up with a treatment plan that can help address the issues.